mystergee

I have issues. I know it, you know it, we both know it. I can't remember the last time I was drunk .. No wait, I do. It was my old company's Christmas party in Eugene, and man, was I enjoying those screwdrivers. I was shocked when the whole thing ended at like 10pm and it was time to go home... I was thinking "hey, the fun's just getting started!" But I managed to drive home -- no small feat, I lived an hour and a half away -- and was mostly sober by the time I got there. I totally expected to get pulled over somewhere just north of Eugene on I-5, like that time years ago when we were going home from a rave. Erin was driving my car, Rain was riding shotgun, and I was totally fucked up, riding in the back with 2 other people whose identities escape me at this point. That was right across from the big cool Marathon sign at the RV dealer or plant or whatever it is. Erin managed to talk her way out of it, even though some of us were obviously not all there. I don't know what she said, I couldn't keep track of what was going on. But yay Erin! I wonder what ever happened to her after Rain moved away and I got out of that whole scene... Anyway, that night last December, I didn't get pulled over. Yay me! Where was I? Oh yeah, issues. I am way too sensitive. I am always worrying about what people think of me, how people feel about me, what might I be doing wrong right now that is driving someone away. The proverb goes "ignorance is bliss"; well, not for me. Perhaps if I was ignorant about the *possibility* of something being wrong, it would be true. But I'm not, and since I don't always pick up on what's going on around me, I make myself miserable over what might be. For example, a certain special someone asked how someone else felt about having their name on here, and my response was "well, they read it and haven't said they didn't want it there." How dense is that? I could have asked BEFORE writing it. But that's not the real problem. Now, after talking to another friend about it, I'm wondering if maybe that was a subtle hint about having her own name on here. I'm so confused ... I have such strong feelings that I always worry about how she feels about me ... and then I worry that my worrying will push her away... and so on, and so on, ad infinitum. I need to stop worrying so much about what I don't know and just chill. I'm such a hypocrite ... I talk about not living in fear, then I do. But this isn't fear of heights. This isn't fear of taking a spill and breaking a bone. I'm not afraid of getting in a car wreck or being in an airplace accident, but this is different. This is fear of emotional pain, fear of heartbreak. Shit, I'm getting all loopy and sappy now from the combination of alcohol and sleep-dep. I just sat here a minute asking myself why the fuck I'm writing this. I don't relish the idea of anyone reading it. But it's so cathartic to write, I just have to. And it's not often that I have the time to do so either. Especially when I'm drunk and don't feel quite so inhibited about letting it all out. Shit. I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. And I hate drama, especially can't stand to cause it, so I'll probably end up deleting this all tomorrow when I'm sober anyway.