mystergee

Fucking Idiot GOD DAMNIT I wish I hadn't done what I just did ... as soon as I hit enter on that IM, I felt both very selfish and very stupid; which one lasts longer will depend on the answer to the question I posed. (Update: stupid won!) Fuck, I'm a fucking dumbass. Who fucking needs a guy with this much baggage anyway. I keep swinging back and forth from thinking it's all (or mostly) in my imagination and I'm just blowing shit all out of proportion, thinking that it's even worse than I fear, and everything in between. A very good friend was telling me recently: I hope you don't mind that I borrowed that, it really sums up how I'm feeling this morning. With that in mind, I'll quote someone else I (sorta) know: "Stupid me. Stupid freak me."

tired God, I'm tired. I NEED TO SLEEP. I NEED TO SLEEP. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING SLEEP?! I feel so fucking down right now I want to just crawl under this desk and hide. Fortunately for my mental health, I don't have that option; I have someone that needs me to be functioning, healthy, and preferably in good spirits. Even if I have to force it. Fortunately for my physical health, I no longer have the option of using illicit substances to make myself feel better. So I need to get whatever rest I can and just deal with shit. Life sucks. I'll get over it. I owe it to the people that need me. And if you're reading this (you know who you are), I don't want you to think this is because of you! I won't lie, it would be nice to know why you can't talk to me, but that shouldn't be your first priority, and I'm not going to make myself sick over it, that would just be fucked up. At least now I have a clue why you didn't answer the phone this afternoon. I just can't figure out why you asked me to call back. What's funny is that even now, when I'm feeling my worst, I'm hoping you won't read this and get all pissed off at me because you had a good reason. Otherwise I wouldn't feel bad about saying I feel completely blown off. OH MY FUCKING GOD the sky is already almost as light as an overcast day. I'm going to try to sleep again, wish me luck.

New Show - The Bold and the Italicized I've decided to start putting these headings on my posts; it makes them more interesting for me to look at. I have a hard enough time reading my own writing, maybe it will help.

Missing U I'm sorry I missed you yesterday. I was so upset when I finished what I was doing and saw what time it was! What happened this afternoon?

I'm so glad we talked today! I'm sad that you won't be able to make it next month, but at least now I know what's going on. I was so worried that you were going to want to call the whole thing off entirely (that is, not just the trip), that it's a relief to get it cleared up. And since you cleared up the privacy question too (I think), I changed back all the entries I had hidden, but changed all references to initials. Is that cool? I look forward to talking to you more tomorrow!

Well, I didn't delete it. I wonder if I should have. But I'm not afraid; what will happen, will happen regardless. I just hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings or put my foot in my mouth once too often. I am my own worst enemy. I know it's incorrect and dangerous to generalize, but my observation is that women want men who are strong, and not *overly* emotional. The definition of "overly" varies, naturally. Basically, they want men to be sensitive, not neurotic. I don't know how I can be so optimistic and so pessimistic at once -- it makes me feel almost schizophrenic at times. I generally feel that things will work out, and if they don't, it wasn't meant to be. At the same time, I believe in self-determination. How can this be? No matter how much self-examination I go through, I can't figure out this dichotomy. Is it possible for us to change our basic nature? I believe it is, and in my case (and many others), I think self-esteem plays a huge part in doing so. But is that changing the way our minds work, or simply the baseline we run on? I think the balance shifts from the latter to the former over time. That reminds me, someone in the past often accused of "using big words" (her description) to make myself feel superior; that's not the case. They're simply the most fitting words for the idea I'm trying to communicate. So to you! Not that she'll ever read this blog; or even hear the word "blog", let alone know what it means or read one.

Okay, I'm still not sure what the point of this Kings of Chaos thing is, but I decided to add my page link to the links list. I just don't think I have the patience to really get into it, and I'm not sure it has the ability to hold my interest anyway.

I have issues. I know it, you know it, we both know it. I can't remember the last time I was drunk .. No wait, I do. It was my old company's Christmas party in Eugene, and man, was I enjoying those screwdrivers. I was shocked when the whole thing ended at like 10pm and it was time to go home... I was thinking "hey, the fun's just getting started!" But I managed to drive home -- no small feat, I lived an hour and a half away -- and was mostly sober by the time I got there. I totally expected to get pulled over somewhere just north of Eugene on I-5, like that time years ago when we were going home from a rave. Erin was driving my car, Rain was riding shotgun, and I was totally fucked up, riding in the back with 2 other people whose identities escape me at this point. That was right across from the big cool Marathon sign at the RV dealer or plant or whatever it is. Erin managed to talk her way out of it, even though some of us were obviously not all there. I don't know what she said, I couldn't keep track of what was going on. But yay Erin! I wonder what ever happened to her after Rain moved away and I got out of that whole scene... Anyway, that night last December, I didn't get pulled over. Yay me! Where was I? Oh yeah, issues. I am way too sensitive. I am always worrying about what people think of me, how people feel about me, what might I be doing wrong right now that is driving someone away. The proverb goes "ignorance is bliss"; well, not for me. Perhaps if I was ignorant about the *possibility* of something being wrong, it would be true. But I'm not, and since I don't always pick up on what's going on around me, I make myself miserable over what might be. For example, a certain special someone asked how someone else felt about having their name on here, and my response was "well, they read it and haven't said they didn't want it there." How dense is that? I could have asked BEFORE writing it. But that's not the real problem. Now, after talking to another friend about it, I'm wondering if maybe that was a subtle hint about having her own name on here. I'm so confused ... I have such strong feelings that I always worry about how she feels about me ... and then I worry that my worrying will push her away... and so on, and so on, ad infinitum. I need to stop worrying so much about what I don't know and just chill. I'm such a hypocrite ... I talk about not living in fear, then I do. But this isn't fear of heights. This isn't fear of taking a spill and breaking a bone. I'm not afraid of getting in a car wreck or being in an airplace accident, but this is different. This is fear of emotional pain, fear of heartbreak. Shit, I'm getting all loopy and sappy now from the combination of alcohol and sleep-dep. I just sat here a minute asking myself why the fuck I'm writing this. I don't relish the idea of anyone reading it. But it's so cathartic to write, I just have to. And it's not often that I have the time to do so either. Especially when I'm drunk and don't feel quite so inhibited about letting it all out. Shit. I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. And I hate drama, especially can't stand to cause it, so I'll probably end up deleting this all tomorrow when I'm sober anyway.